Plate Tectonics
by EspeonSilverfire2
Summary: Cracky USUK oneshot with lemony goodness. America uses some 'logic' to have a bit of fun with England on the side of a volcano. Things don't go entirely smoothly, but then America's idea isn't exactly... sane.


**Plate Tectonics**

_Pairing: USUK_

_Comments/Warnings: Cracky, god knows what I was on when I thought of this, buttsex, written in British English, and lava/magma (I know the distinction but I probably screwed it up at least once- please don't kill me). This was the entry I submitted to wtffanfiction's Most Implausible Sex Scene contest. Now the results are out, I wanted to put it on my ffn. Enjoy. (PS- that means it's deliberately bad, ok? XD )_

_Rating: M/R-18/Adult_

**ooo**

Now then, there have been many arguments over the years as to the extent to which America's brain cells actually function. There are those who claim he is incredibly intelligent, a fantastic inventor and engineer. Of course, on the flip side of the coin, there are inevitably those who argue that he is a total dimwit with all the logical reasoning of an already dumb frog who recently underwent a lobotomy.

The truth, most certainly, lies somewhere in between, cloaked amongst precisely _forty-nine_ shades of grey. Of course, peeling apart all those layers is a somewhat difficult and time-consuming process, and likely why most people don't bother and simply resort to, "America, you idiot!"

Which is precisely what England resorted to, when he found himself in a bit of a… _situation_… due to the seemingly, and monumentally, mind-blowing actions of his boyfriend.

"America, you idiot!"

"Hahaha, dude, isn't this the best idea ever, or what?!" The golden blond laughed in potentially the most obnoxious manner possible, as his fingers attempted to tug down the zip of England's trousers.

"No it most certainly _isn't!_" England protested, continuing to bat away the other's invasive hands.

And it truly wasn't. For you see, America's logic this time had been, well, a little more _warped_ than usual. In that they were currently stood on an active volcano. Right next to a river of molten lava. And he was trying to get some.

And by 'some', I of course mean 'sex'.

"How ever could you think this was a good idea?!" England hissed, attempting to back away but coming dangerously close to setting foot in the rapidly hardening liquid. "What in god's name possessed you to try to fuck me _on the side of a volcano?!_"

America simply continued to laugh, this time utilising a little more strength to forcibly bust the Englishman's zip and yank down his trousers. "It's simple dude!" he explained, grinning in a way that suggested complete and utter naivety to the reality of the situation, or the smaller country's reaction to it. "I wanted to get a bit more creative in the bedroom department, since the other week you were complaining that I was getting 'far too vanilla'…" He put on his best (read: 'worst') English accent for that. "So I decided to spice things up a bit! So I was thinking, 'how can I do something really creative?' And then I got distracted by Oprah. But once that was done, I was back to thinking, and I figured, we're both countries right? So… plate tectonics!"

England, despite being right beside a giant hole spewing molten rock, and standing there with his underpants on full display, simply blinked slowly. "Plate… tectonics…"

America gave him a thumbs up. "Yeah! Well, I mean, naturally the continents, and countries, kinda move around on magma right? So it's really just the natural lube for countries! So I figured, 'hey, we're countries! Let's use magma as lube!' So here we are!"

If condescension could have an utter epitome, it would have been England's face right then.

"Let me get this straight… You are seriously suggesting that _we_, that is to say, _we countries who have human bodies_ should use _magma_, _fucking one thousand degree magma, _as _lube_."

America grinned. He simply grinned. "Yup!"

And in all honesty, England didn't really know what to say. He knew he should have said no. He knew it was ludicrous, that it was downright suicidal for a normal human being. But that was the point. They weren't normal human beings. They were countries. Personifications. Entities that in all honesty really shouldn't exist, and yet did. They were practically immortal. They couldn't be killed. The only way they ever died was by slowly fading out of existence once their country was gone. And even then, they lingered. Somewhere in the strange mists of the afterlife England had pondered so many times before, they carried on and came back.

So in all honesty, after so many years of living, England was becoming inclined to say, "Sod it. Why the fuck not?"

And he did.

"Fine," was his answer, and he could only watch with a sigh as America's eyes lit up, and the taller man hastily freed them from their clothes, tossing the garments to the ground and watching them sizzle on the scorching rock. It was insanity. Utter insanity. And yet England carried on with it.

"Woo! Naked! Time to go, dude!" America whooped once they were both undressed. England cocked a smile, at last _warming up_ to things.

Of course, he'd be warming up even more soon enough.

Obligingly, he turned round, dropping to his hands and knees. His palms burnt instantly on contact with the ground, as did his knees, and he literally felt his skin sizzle. But the pain was something he was used to, and as an immortal he was healing even as he was harmed. An endless, never ending burning that blazed through the fibres of his being.

Or it could have just been secretly turning him on. England could be a kinky shit like that.

America licked his lips at the arse presented to him, marvelling at the twin moons which he couldn't help but reach out and grope. His hands soon travelled lower, however, not content with just the toned globes, and he grasped himself a handful of English meat, pumping it up and down and feeling it grow stiffer and harder in his hand with every movement.

"God your dick is so hot…" he murmured into the man's ear as the Englishman keened, leaning over the smaller man's back and pressing his chest to it.

"Not as hot as yours'll soon be…" England growled back, and with that, America could no longer contain himself. Glancing across at the river of lava beside them, he reached a hand in, wincing as it sizzled away at his skin, and scooped a handful up, moving it quickly to the warm confines of England's arsehole before it could solidify in the air.

And that was all the preparation England got, since America didn't want to let it solidify in there either, and he quickly grabbed the man by his hips, leaving slight burns from the lava traces still on his scorched hand, and thrust himself inside.

The feeling was utterly indescribable, though I shall attempt it anyway.

First of all, it was _hot_. And not just the regular kind of hot one would experience when sticking a penis into any sort of bodily orifice, but a blazing, searing heat. America's dick felt as if it were being set ablaze, and frankly it practically was. Lava and a penis is not an ideal combination for most people, and he was literally feeling his manhood being fried as he pulled and pushed his way in and out of England's backside.

On the ground, England was gasping as his rectum was seared, and yet the pain for him became a pleasurable one, and each thrust of America's against his now overly-sensitive walls sent jolts of pleasure directly to his leaking cock.

"Fuck! Harder!" he barked, and America obeyed, picking up his pace as he felt the lava inside England cooling and hardening into rock. The shards added a new kind of pain, a sharp cutting, and the change in sensation sent him over the edge.

"E-England!" he gurgled as his dick twitched, releasing spurts of his white hot man fat into England's now rock-lined rectum. Beneath him, the cooling of the lava and America's orgasm groans were proving too much of a turn-on for the English nation, and he too blasted his load onto the searing ground.

At that point, both nations were exhausted, and the larger man collapsed on the other's back, forcing his chest and legs to hit the rock and burn like his kneecaps.

"God… we need to try stuff like this more often…" he grunted into the lighter blond's messy hair.

"So you can get _rock hard_ again?" England retorted with a smirk.

"Fuck off."


End file.
